| Jun 28, 2008 |
| brilliance |
i m in a brilliant mood
my exams are over!
and i fasted today
let the weight melt away, like an icecream on a hot day!
going out now to T s place
ahhh.
bliss
=) |
posted by aphoony @ 8:07 PM  |
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| Jun 23, 2008 |
| in a nutshell |
i was thinking of putting my weight loss journey into a post
what i ve learnt and realised,condensed down into a paragraph
i used to be okay with who i was, confident even arrogant
but since putting on weight, it was like i faded from everybody's eyes and started blending in with the wallpaper
before when my friends told me to lose weight, i was like 'take me as who i am!'
but over time, i ve come to realise, its a superficial world
inner beauty really doesnt measure up to outer beauty.
then after several binge diets, came an intense one
i ve lost about 11 kilos to date
i want to lose another 17
i havent eaten out for months because i m worried i ll lose control
but i eat at home, especially when mom cooks
sometimes i binge and purge
sometimes i feel so guilty and disgusted with myself i dont know what to do
sometimes i m so happy with the weight loss i want to tell everyone
my weight loss now has slowed dramatically
my period has become irregular and infrequent
i ve started using laxatives
i calculate my bmi at least once a day
and i do feel superior to fatties
i just want to reach my goal weight, its all i really want right now.
because i know when i do,
i ll be perfect
things to know
1. If you dont already have an ED, dont try to get one. its ridiculous.
2. if you do, support is always available
3. dont make my mistake and have people start noticing the weight loss/lack of eating
secrecy is very important, and its a drag when people nag at you to eat
4. have a goal weight
5. excercise so you build muscle
6. visit other pro ana/mia sites when you feel yourself slipping
7. look for and keep thinspirations to motivate you
8. make a list of why you want to be thin and look at it frequently |
| posted by aphoony @ 5:10 PM |
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| The Red Bracelet |
The Red Bracelet
"IFOF is a term that means "identification friend or foe" most commonly used in the aircraft industry. It is a thing on an airplane that tells people reading the signal if they are a friend or foe. We now have a system of our own. I got this from another site: Have you ever wondered if the skinny girl you see has an ED (A or M)? And proud of it? You so desperately want to ask, or even try to make friends but are scared? Well, no more ... since we have our ribbon "Ana is a lifestyle..." and its red.
I propose that we all get a red beaded bracelet. You can make it or buy them. Wear it daily or when you go out to secretly say that you are proud to be pro-ana or proud to have an ED that is. Anytime you see someone wearing a red beaded bracelet, capture their eye contact and point to your bracelet, and if they return the same point to theirs ... then they are ED friendly. If not, then its just someone whom is wearing one.
As for those who are older and feel silly wearing a beaded bracelet, wear a red t-shirt every Monday or when you go out on Mondays.
Please pass this along to every proED clubs, forums, websites (secrets/public) for we need to be known widespread secretly amongst us. So, copy/paste everyone!!! "
I dont think i m proud to be have an ED, but i am going to make a bracelet to wear, just for the sense of commaderie.
So if you are walking along melbourne streets and see this red bracelet, say hi!
Reasons to be Thin
Anyone can have "inner beauty" but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
1. You can wear anything, baggy clothes work on skinny people, but not small clothes on big people
2. I m tall, so i need to be even skinnier to compensate
3. You ll be hot and stop having self esteem issues
4. You can get a new wardrobe
5. Life will be different and even better once we reach our goal weight
6. You don't NEED food.
7. You can horse ride without killing the damm horse
8. You will know that you have willpower
9. Guys will be able to pick you up without struggling.
10. You'll be able to run faster without all that extra weight holding you back.
11. Parents and friends will be happier with the new you
12. People will remember you as "the beautiful thin one".
13. Guys will want to get to know you, not laugh at you and walk away.
14. Guys will stop using you to get to know your hot best friends
15. You will be able to see and feel your beautiful, beautiful bones.
16. Bones are clean and pure. Fat is dirty and hangs on your bones like a parasite.
17. Thin people have a better quality of life
18. Too many people in the world are obese.
19. Only fat people are attracted to fat people. Do you want pigs to like you because you are one of them.
20. If you slap a fat person you can see a shockwave ripple over their skin. That's disgusting.
21. Do you want people to say "for gods sake get off me you're crushing me!!!" or "you are sooo light" ???
22. Starve off the parts you don't need. They're ugly and they drag you down.
23. Saying "no thanks" to food is saying "yes please" to THIN!!!
24. Fat people are so huge, yet people look away from them as if they don't exist.
25. Hunger is your friend and it won't betray you like food.
26. Food is mean and sneaky. It tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out making you fat, bloated, ugly and unhappy.
27. Think of anorexia as your secret weapon.
28. If you can name one reason to be fat, I'll name a million and one to be thin.
29. Eating little to nothing saves you money!
30. You can control your body/weight and not the other way round
31. You wont have to feel ashamed in a bikini
32. You wont have to shy away from people because you dont want them to feel your fats
33. You wont have to put up with being teased anymore
34. Lets be honest, fat people never get any kind of good attention from strangers
35. If you do this, you can do almost any other thing you put your mind to.
36. Think of your favourite heroine or female lead in a timeless love story. Chances are, they are skinny and beautiful. Think Juliet, Antigone, Cleopatra and even Carmen.
37. Now think of the most popular girl in high school or in your circle of friends. I bet she s not fat!
i took some of the above from fadingobssession. thanks!
and now for my update
still the same weight as the last post, havent lost yet
=(
food: vitamin c tablets, chilli sauce and pudding, an apple
drink: water and apple cider vinegar |
| posted by aphoony @ 4:22 PM |
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| Jun 18, 2008 |
| one kilo closer! |
Micheal Rispe will be my downfall
let me explain
Mr Rispe is a master patisserie chef
and at the Waldorf Astoria no less.
he is running classes at a culinary school in melbourne
and my mom attended a few classes
she came home today with the most delectable petit fours
and made me try some, to taste her 'labour of love'
they were absolutely delicious, i had 3.
PETIT FOURS! i dont even want to think how many calories were in each.
good news though! when i weighed myself this morning, i lost a kilo
its now taking me about one week to shed one kilo
but, at least i m losing weight?
i promptly gorged myself on nuts, chocolate, noodles, an apple, takopachi and even made an omelette
(and celery too. but that doesnt count.)
i then chucked up in the bathroom for the next fifteen minutes.
although that only got rid of about 65% of the food i ingested
my tummy feels flat, so i m not distraught
just got home, brought T and S to Mc Donalds to get dinner
but i resisted eating anything
i have exams tomorrow
so that means i can skip lunch and dinner without explaining to the parentals
wish me luck (for exmas i mean)
and i ll leave you with an image of the yves st laurent shoes i m going to buy when i lose another 4 kilos with the money i've saved!
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| posted by aphoony @ 8:22 PM |
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| Jun 15, 2008 |
| MAJOR THINSPO! |
anathinspo
i m feeling more inspired now
if these real girls can do it
so can i! |
| posted by aphoony @ 8:03 PM |
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| NOT in a good mood |
i feel like such a failure
i havent lost a single pound, and i'm still on the same weight as i was before
i've taken to using the rubber band method
i wear one against my wrist
basically when i think of food,
i snap it hard to punish myself
this is terrible, i wont lose weight in time for holidays
how can i wear bathers with this body?
fatfatfat jiggling everywhere
i hate this vicious cycle, i m losing control with everyday i stay at home
nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.
then why cant i cut down my calorie intake!
my mom forced me to eat some vitamins yesterday
i spent the next hour resisting the urge to throw up
i wonder how many calories there are in vitamins?
i m focusing on how awesome everything will be once i am thin
but its killing me that i cant achieve it
pleasepleaseplease
i dont know how much longer i can take this feeling of being a complete fat failure
especially since i binged again
food: 2 apples, orange, almonds, a small bowl of chicken, rice and vegetables.
i read somewhere that almonds block fat absorption by your body
its 70cals per oz
drink: water
i m sorry to keep mentioning food in my posts, i know it might set some anas off
but its my way of keeping a food diary that no one i know in the real world will ever see
i think i m finally starting to realise how terrible it is to be so obssessive over your weight
i feel so alone
and i dont even have an ED
i m trapped in a vortex of my own self loathing and secrecy
and paradoxically, it seems the only way out is to lose weight
it just occurred to me that i am the biggest and fattest chick in my course at university
god, i hate myself so much right now |
| posted by aphoony @ 7:05 PM |
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| Jun 9, 2008 |
| asian bmi + daily pic-spiration |
i am in such a terrible mood
not only did i not lose any weight this morning,
i just realised that asians have a lower BMI threshold.
which means i have to lose even more weight than originally planned
instead of the 12 kilos i have to lose, i now have to lose 20.
so four more pit stops along the way. to mark every 5 kilo drop, perhaps a new pair of shoes?
this is so disheatening.
the BMI for healthy weight in an asian female is 21,
as opposed to the 25 for caucasians.
check your BMI here
i m still too ashamed to list my BW and H here,
(and i assure you with good reason). maybe sometime soon.
and to top it all off i binged today.
had a big bowl of claypot rice and an orange.
i wish my parents wouldnt cook or nag at me to eat
they have always told me to drop weight, and constantly call me fat etc
my mom keeps bombarding me with tales of how when she was young she lost fantastic amounts of weight, had heaps of boyfriends, and eventually landed in hopspital.
its like its a record she wants me to beat.
you know what?
fine, bring it.
now that i m actually taking an active step
they are trying to force feed me
how absolutely hypocritical
i would think i am old enough to do what i m doing, thank you very much.
i feel like i m losing control over what i put in my mouth.
and by extrapolation,
everything else in my life.
time to try to rubber band method maybe?
drinking ice water right now in an effort to burn calories.
as an aside, its funny how its hard to catch up with friends in ways that dont involve food. i used to say 'lets catch for lunch/coffee sometime!'
i need to get into the habit of saying 'lets go watch a movie sometime!'
i refuse to believe that i have to lose friends along with the weight.
i am going to fast tomorrow,
just so i dont hate myself for losing control today.
and i ll walk back to melbourne central from uni
long term goal: losing 20 kilos
short term goals: fitting those jeans, the size 6 dress and fasting from 30th june to 4th july
and passing exams!
1st paper tomorrow
i m so absolutely stuffed over.
i really want my clavicles to show like this. |
| posted by aphoony @ 3:11 PM |
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| Jun 8, 2008 |
| new plan |
i just pigged out today.
parents brought me shopping all morning
and when i got back, i was so starved i started chomping down food.
for like 5 minutes there i actually thought i had snapped
because i couldnt put down the spoon
i think part of the problem is i dont see food as the enemy yet,
but as a reward.
sigh.
been reading 'how to be a better anorexic'
and its quite interesting!
apparently apple and carrots are catabolic
i.e takes much more calories to digest than it contains
the punishing yourself part when you thinking of food
by snapping a ruber band against your skin or the like, is kind of scary.
maybe i'll resort to that when i m desperate.
not now though.
this could potentially backfire, but i am trying out a new eating plan.
for the next two days (today and tomorrow), i am going to eat quite abit more
then i ll start dieting again.
this is because my metabolism has become sluggish, and i need to jump start it.
so here goes nothing!
i m going to vary my calorie intake so i can 'fool' my metabolism.
food: a normal sized bowl of porridge, fish, vegetables and pork. an apple
drink: water |
| posted by aphoony @ 1:38 PM |
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| Jun 7, 2008 |
| opps |
opps i lost the plot a little today.
too caught up in celebrating reaching my 1st pit stop,
i ate too much.
kept it down though.
i ll study hard tonight, apparently thinking hard takes up quite a lot of calories!
i had a large fist sized portion of noodles (!!!), an avocado, a quarter slice of bread with chilli oil (yum) and soy milk.
damm.
yellow egg noodles at that.
which is the most fattening!
please please please dont let me weigh more tomorrow morning
yes, i get up, strip off, and jump on the scales.
i need to pysch myself
foodisevilfoodisevilfoodisevil
amen. |
| posted by aphoony @ 4:49 PM |
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| partial success! |
i weighed myself this morning
and i have lost 10 kilos!
i m so stoked!
to celebrate i ate a whole avocado
and drank some soy milk
ahhhhhh
bliss
=)
might even have a mouthful of steak tonight.
yum.
i have another ten kilos to lose, and in about a months time as well.
some friends from singapore are coming, and we're going down to the hot springs in rye. i have to look passable in a bikini!
thunder thighs have to go.
how nerve racking.
plus it doesnt help the other girl going to be there has a hot body.
wish me luck!
went to a party last night
and some friends noticed i ve lost weight.
made me feel pretty awesome
and i was wearing my old jeans that i couldnt have fit into before (!!)
i dont know why i didnt try to lose so much weight till now
i m feeling really good about myself lately
no physical weakness, no hair loss or associated symptoms, only a little guilt here and there
oh and a massive compulsion to go shopping and buy new clothes in a smaller size
;)
makes me a bit sick when i think about how fat i used to be.
B is coming back from her exchange program after about a year in the U.S!
C and i were coming to take her out to dinner
have a welcome-home-thingy at vue de monde.
AWESOME AWESOME restaurant.
we're going for the degustation gastronorme, which is $250 a head.
hopefully i would have reached my goal weight by then, so i can celebrate and eat!
$250 is a bit much to pay just to look at the food
and their duck confit!
=D
now full kudos to the chicks for being so brave
but if like me, you ll rather eat a platter of blended live rats and bulls testicles than pose like that (got that from fear factor)
put down the fork
and back away from your dinner
xx! |
| posted by aphoony @ 9:56 AM |
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| Jun 5, 2008 |
| daily pic-spiration + EXAMS |
hot new chloe heels!
remember, the thinnner you are, the better these heels will look!
omg omg omg
exams exams exams.
stresssssssss
food: half a macaroon ( mom was baking all week!), 9 macadamias (snacking will be my downfall)
drink: orange pekoe tea |
| posted by aphoony @ 8:53 PM |
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| Jun 2, 2008 |
| guilt |
ate a bit too much today
went walking around the estate for about 3 hours
and when i got home i was so hungry and faint i had to eat something
i hate this vicious cycle of guilt
and right now,
i m so tempted to go downstairs to the kitchen and grab a snack
i might yet.
but blogging about this is taking the urge away, bit by bit
food: half an apple, some nuts, a persimon, and two large tablespoons full of rice and fish and vegetables :(
drink: water
i wish i didnt live with my parents
its easier not to eat when there's no one nagging you to do so |
| posted by aphoony @ 8:24 PM |
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| Jun 1, 2008 |
| daily pic-spiration |
hopefully this inspires you to keep going! starve on!
food: a large tablespoon of rice, assam fish and mushrooms (parents were watching, had to eat it)
drink: water and green tea |
| posted by aphoony @ 9:09 PM |
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| Daily pic-spiration! |
stay strong! and p.s arent those bathers fierce? one day i m gonna flaunt my bod too. focus on the positives girl!
going out to a buffet later with some friends i havent met in a very long while
and its $75 a head.
sigh.
just gonna pretend i m sick and not eat |
| posted by aphoony @ 10:40 AM |
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| hiding |
i should probably make this clear,
i am not anorexic
gasp, yeah i know.
but to be anorexic as the medical journals define it, you actually have to be underweight, and sadly, my BMI just doesnt cut it yet.
nor am i bulimic
i used to be, but i just hate throwing up, its messy and takes too much effort to hide. plus i know what it does to your teeth. they keep telling us in dental lectures!
i only do it when i m desperate desperate.
it just occurred to me this morning when i got up
that i m very busy hidng a lot of things from everyone.
my past, my social habits, my thoughts and now my eating style
on the one hand, i dont think anyone suspects because i voraciously spill out other mundane details of my life to compensate. and so that means i am successful at hiding things!
but on the other, its kinda lonely when no one knows the real you.
i guess as T said, its like having a safe in your head you slowly fill up.
its kinda sad -which was the epiphany i reached- but i wouldnt have it any other way.
i really dont want people forcing me to eat, and then leaving me by myself to deal with the fact that - dammit i just ate a WHOLE STEAK etc- and the resultant guilt and consequences. i am the one having to deal with it, not you, have you thought about that?!!
i guess the bottom line is, i trust my friends to be there for me, whether or not i can fully share all of myself. just hope they never find out and this issue never arises!
i have a good plan today to skip meals so i can fast.
parents arent home, so later i will go downstairs and dirty a plate with mom's cooking and leave it in the sink
that way, i can tell the parentals i already ate when they return!
brilliance!
haha
is anyone out there trying to hide it from parents and friends too? we need to share ideas, creativity is needed! |
| posted by aphoony @ 10:11 AM |
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| vit B and ventolin inhalers |
one thing i must share.
please please dont forget your vitamin b!
do as i do and take a spoonful of vegemite once a week
the calorie count is practically negligible.
i checked.
i learnt in biochemistry lectures that lack of vitamin B will cause severe and irreversible brain damage.
not cool!
i read somewhere about the inhaler diet.
apparently asthma inhalers contsain epinephrine, which is an appetite suppressant.
sounds good, since i already have an inhaler somewhere around the house!
i'll let you know if it works.
i want to visit my doctor to get more Duromine.
That appetite suppressant really works on me!
fingers crossed he prescribes it after all.
haha, all this just to say: 'i've been blessed with a fast metabolism!'
'its natural....... dahhhhling.'
worth it. =) |
| posted by aphoony @ 1:18 AM |
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| About Me |
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This is a diary of my attempt at weight loss. I want to show that I am normal and happy with standard hobbies like shopping and partying. I could have an eating disorder, but it's not a problem. Its a lifestyle choice i am comfortable with. =) |
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